


[will you find happiness] at the end of a paycheck

by sunflower_8



Series: saihara-hinata drabbles [1]
Category: Dangan Ronpa - All Media Types, New Dangan Ronpa V3: Everyone's New Semester of Killing, Super Dangan Ronpa 2
Genre: Depression, Emotional Hurt, Everything Hurts, M/M, Mental Breakdown, Mental Health Issues, Mind the Tags, Suicidal Thoughts, i didn't know that was a tag damn, vent - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-19
Updated: 2020-01-19
Packaged: 2021-02-27 04:15:12
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,588
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22310908
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sunflower_8/pseuds/sunflower_8
Summary: after hours, shuichi and hajime talk.
Relationships: Hinata Hajime & Saihara Shuichi, Hinata Hajime/Komaeda Nagito, Oma Kokichi/Saihara Shuichi
Series: saihara-hinata drabbles [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1759612
Comments: 6
Kudos: 131





	[will you find happiness] at the end of a paycheck

**Author's Note:**

> seriously mind the tags. 
> 
> keep in mind that these characters don't know how to comfort people. i don't suggest using the more abrasive tactics to support others, but that pretty much depends on situation.

“sometimes, i find it hard to breathe.”

hajime sighs. the sentiment is unexpected but understandable. it is the quiet hours, just after most employees have gone home, and the sun is setting. it’s times like these where hajime and shuichi have serious conversations. a strange habit, but one they maintain. 

the brunette shoots the other a neutral look, tired but trying to be empathetic. “why’s that?”

shuichi shrugs. “i don’t know. this is dumb.”

“not if it’s important.” hajime is too exhausted to fight this. he hardly slept the night before, and he’s been feigning smiles and working all day. he’s getting closer to a raise, which is pretty much all that’s motivating him, but right now he hardly has a drive. 

it’s taking all of his strength to avoid breaking down, to be honest.

his coworker smiles morosely. “i guess. i’ve been in a depressive period, i don’t know if you noticed.” hajime could, but he isn’t going to say that. he’s noticed his friend (?) getting sluggish with his work and not talking as much to the others. his usually obnoxious boyfriend, kokichi, seems a little more chill whenever he comes to order coffee and pester hajime. he stays silent and lets shuichi finish. “it feels like i’m drowning, and i kinda wanna die.” he says it breathily. “i know that’s serious, and a lot to push on you-”

“it’s fine.” hajime waves off shuichi’s concern. “whatever you need.” he pauses and, with not enough focus to make his voice less harsh, he asks, “do you really want to die, though?”

shuichi is quiet for a moment, directing his eyesight onto the table he’s cleaning. hajime’s supposed to be cleaning, too, but he drops the rag and watches his coworker’s motions. eventually, the black-haired boy settles on, “i don’t think so. death is terrifying and unpredictable and i don’t really want to die, i just want to stop feeling this. all i can think about when i do anything is what it would be like to die because i can’t even talk to my boyfriend without having a panic attack and everything just feels so pointless. i’m never going to escape.”

hajime can relate, but he hates being vulnerable, so he instead tries to comfort the other. “well, aren’t you happy sometimes? don’t you want to do things, like a bucket list or some shit?” shuichi nods, and hajime continues, “i get it’s not that easy and like… you don’t wanna die but you never feel happy, and there’s probably something else there, but… ugh. i don’t know what my point is. i just think you should live. i also think i should start taking lessons in comfort because holy shit i’m bad at this.” 

he earns some laughter from shuichi, which is probably a success. “it’s fine, hajime, i… i guess? i’m happy sometimes and i want to go to europe with my friend, rantaro, so i have something to look forward to. i’m just… so tired. it’s all so heavy and it’s crushing me. i-i don’t really want to talk about it anymore if that’s okay, but just… thank you. i feel a bit better.”

“you’re welcome.”

shuichi moves to clean another table while hajime goes to the coffee machine. it’s after hours, and the appliance shouldn’t be overused, but the brunette fixes himself a black coffee. he knows he isn’t going to sleep anyway. he rubs his eyes as he waits and startles when he feels shuichi beside him. “how have you been, hajime?”

“shit,” hajime answers truthfully. he usually tries to wave it off like he’s cool, say he’s alright and that everything’s okay, but he just wants to lay down in bed and never get up again. 

“ah.” shuichi doesn’t apologize, which hajime appreciates. it’s annoying, trying to get the other person to stop pitying him, because he just wants to talk about his problems, dammit, without his friends trying to blame themselves. he realizes it’s not their fault, that he’s an asshole, that he probably shouldn’t have friends in the first place, but he’s  _ so fucking tired.  _ “how’s your boyfriend?”

hajime manages to feel some kind of okay-ness at the thought of his boyfriend, but it doesn’t last. “he’s fine. still scared he’s going to kill himself while i’m at work, but that’s the usual.” he laughs cynically but winces when he notices shuichi’s dark expression. “that was harsh, wasn’t it?”

“it’s okay.” hajime takes a sip of his coffee and immediately burns his tongue. he appreciates the sensation, considering that he feels so numb and frozen. even as he goes to sit down on an abandoned table, shuichi follows him, sliding onto the booth across from him. “do you need to like, take time off? to be with him?”

“i never know what to do with myself when i’m not working,” hajime replies. “we’d probably both end up sitting in bed, him cuddling up to me, me having a panic attack when he starts coughing, and then him reassuring me while i have the panic attack, and then him getting a flashback, and it’s a bunch of complicated shit. i love him, though.”

“...do you talk to people about this?” shuichi bites his lip anxiously. 

hajime takes another sip. he doesn’t want the coffee to get lukewarm. “he has a therapist.”

“do  _ you  _ talk to people about this?” shuichi repeats with inflection. hajime sighs. 

“we’re a little tight on money, shuichi, i’m doing my best.”

“your mental health is important.”

hajime snorts. “i know that. but my friends aren’t loaded like yours and my boyfriend doesn’t go off and do a bunch of crimes to get cash. we live in a tiny apartment and i’m the only one working because the last time nagito got a job…”  _ he panicked, and i refuse to watch the love of my life do that again, so i have to lie about our finances.  _ “i’m not putting him through that shit again, but nagito’s distant cousin took his inheritance and he doesn’t have a job and  _ we’re low on money _ . we also have to take care of our dog, and i’m saving up to buy a ring-”

“you’re proposing?” shuichi’s eyes widen.

the brunette musters up a smile. “yeah. but by the time i can actually get the cash, it’ll have been a whole fucking year. moral of the story, i don’t have a shrink and it’s fine.”

“i don’t want to overstep, but i really think you should get one.”

hajime gets up to wash his cup and darkly replies, “i think i know myself best, saihara.”

shuichi doesn’t reply. hajime laughs coldly, but he doesn’t find anything funny. he just wants to sleep and maybe stop existing. he wants to stop feeling choked up and heavy and sick. he wants to wake up with the motivation of his peppy coworker, mahiru, and get out of bed without having to pep talk himself into a shower. he wants to reverse time so that he could actually pursue his ideal career of being a lawyer and make sure his boyfriend lives comfortably. he wants to reverse time and stop his deadbeat dad from fucking his mom, who lived just like her son, clinging onto the last penny. he wants to reverse time and threaten god and actually get the happy hormones in his brain because even before he got diagnosed with  _ dysthymia,  _ he’s felt nothing. 

he wants to reverse time and stop himself from crying because he’s sobbing now and shuichi is just  _ watching.  _

he doesn’t want a hug. he doesn’t ask for one and he doesn’t imply it. he sniffles and lets out ugly gasping noises, counting to four until his tears vanish. his eyes burn but his facade is back on. he can cry in the shower. even after he stops breaking down, he grips the clean mug tightly and breathes heavily, avoiding shuichi’s eyes. he shoves the mug in the cabinet with hardly-concealed frustration and buries his face in his hands.

“you can head home, hajime.” shuichi sounds too calm, and hajime wants to apologize but the tears are already appearing again and he’s  _ so tired he wants to fucking disappear hewantstofuckingdisappear  _ so he just listens. “i’ll clean up the rest. see you tomorrow.”

“i should stay,” hajime argues. “i need the raise.”

shuichi shakes his head. “you aren’t going to get it from cleaning all this up. our boss literally never stays back to help out, so i don’t think she cares that much. you need to sleep. if... if you need money for the metro back-”

“i’ll walk.” hajime replies. he’d rather walk two miles in darkness than take shuichi’s money. “thanks. i’ll see you tomorrow.” he hesitates before adding, “i hope you feel better.”

“thanks,” shuichi replies, and he gives a genuine smile. hajime doesn’t return it fully, but his lips quirk up slightly as he slips on his jacket. “stay safe. call me if you need anything.”

hajime doesn’t reply, checking his phone and leaving the cafe. he flinches as he sees the busy streets and hears ambulances wailing.  _ anyone of them could be carrying my nagito,  _ he reminds himself and starts walking home. he wonders what it would feel like to be carelessly driving in one of those cars, laughing with friends instead of watching with bleary eyes and a depression so tiring that hajime is going to collapse. 

he wishes he was alive.

(and inside the suffocatingly quiet coffee shop, shuichi wishes he was dead.)

**Author's Note:**

> yeah.


End file.
